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Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
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Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again
nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
-Submitted by Pat Varley
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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An Engilshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARAD!!!"
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Father Falnagan was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a scream followed by a thud. To his horror he saw a lovely young lass had been hit by a speeding motorist. In fact she had been hit so hard she had all of the clothes knocked off. Father Flanagan being a gentleman placed his hat across her privates. Meanwhile Michael was just inside a pub. He'd been having several pints when he decided enough was enough and he stepped out side to the accident. "Christ" says Michael "The first thing we got to do is get that man outta there." -Submitted by:Rebecca Farrell
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Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to
get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children." So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm.." Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning????"
-Submitted by: Lorraine Lacey
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An Irishman walks into the pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He asks that they be brought over to him at the table. The Irishman drinks the pints one at a time and then leave. This routine goes on for about two months. Finally, the bartender asks why the Irishman has the three pints. "Well'" he says, " The first pint is for me brudder in Amerikay and the second is for me brudder in England." The bartender nods in agreement and tells the lads at the bar who have witnessed the comings and goings for the two months. Several weeks latter, the Irishman enters the pub and orders two pints. As the bartender walks up to the table with a pint in each hand, he says. "If you don't mind my asking, have you lost one of your brother?" The Irishman pauses for a second, sees the two pints and says, "Oh forsakes no, me missus has me off the liquor [on the wagon][off the drop]!" -Submitted by: Cholly O'Shiel
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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking,
the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I
will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in
jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under
par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And
might I ask how your money
is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that
for you, too. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once
or twice a week? Is that all?!"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish."-Submitted by: Dave Riley
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Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a roman catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water and the horse went on to win the race, streaks ahead of the opposition, then at before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water, and like the first horse it went on to win it's race, so the guy said to him self if the priest sprinlkes another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse, and sure enough the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water, and the other guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse.
Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race, and the gug was devestated, so he went over to the priest and said what are you playing at, the last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled drop dead after only 100 yards, and i had put every penny I had on it's nose what are you playing at.
The priest replied you are a protestant are'nt you and the guy admitted that he was, and said but how do you know that, the priest said because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights.
Submitted by : Geoff Mcgrath
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Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital
house phone, called the doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You are the
father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet."
After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The doctor ansered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night." So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did. Actually, he misdialed, and dialed the local cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The person replied, "All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck."
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