Beaver Island Realty - Beaver Island Real Estate | ||||||||||||||
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Some Humor | ||||||||
from Beaver Island Realty | ||||||||
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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. * * * * * * * * * * Gardening made easy! * * * * * * * * * * When Clinton visited the Pope, he noticed a red * * * * * * * * * * Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender, * * * * * * * * * * Young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright lights of London. * * * * * * * * * * A man was walking on a Belfast street one at night when suddenly he was confronted with a masked man who had a gun pointed right at him. * * * * * * * * * * "Someday, I'd like a little brother," said a boy to his friend. * * * * * * * * * * What do you get when you cross Mexico with Texas? * * * * * * * * * * A man was very ill and on the verge of dying. The doctor called the man's wife in and said,"There are three things that you can do to help your husband back to health" * * * * * * * * * * An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" * * * * * * * * * * Charles P. (Harlem) Gallagher was in a pub in Charlevoix, Mich. some years ago. A fella down the bar leaned over and said, "Hey, Gallagher, what's the population of Beaver Island?" Charlie leaned out and said, "Oh, mostly beech and maple".! True story!! * * * * * * * * * * Many years ago a young Island woman went to the doctor to deliver her first baby. Upon her arrival the doctor asked her into the examining room and told her to remove her pants. Well, she would have none of that. The doctor told her that she had already removed them once too often before now!! * * * * * * * * * * Another Island fella and his wife were in the hospital down state after the birth of one of their children. After a time the doctor came into the room and told the fella that he and his wife should abstain from sex for a couple of weeks. The fella said, "Geez Doc, you should told me that 20 minutes ago!" * * * * * * * * * * Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!" * * * * * * * * * * Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic, why?" * * * * * * * * * * Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the cox, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again" * * * * * * * * * * A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again. * * * * * * * * * * His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. * * * * * * * * * * Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale" * * * * * * * * * * A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. * * * * * * * * * * Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite. * * * * * * * * * * Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German". * * * * * * * * * * It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?" * * * * * * * * * * Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" * * * * * * * * * * Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case someone looses them. * * * * * * * * * * Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them" * * * * * * * * * * First time ever on an aeroplane and he is noticed by the stewardess who can see he is quite afraid of flying. "Is there anything wrong sir" she asks "No missus" he replies "Just the first time I ever flew, I'm from Ahoghill, near Ballymena and the first man in the town ever to fly" So she leaves it at that and gets on with he her duties. When the plane is due to land she goes back to the passenger "Well sir were you comfy?" she asks. He looks round at her and answers "I telt ye that afore, joost oot side Ballymena. (all the fine pieces above are fromthe Collection of Mr. Adam Flinn) * * * * * * * * * * "Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" * * * * * * * * * * Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". * * * * * * * * * * | ||||||||
[ More Jokes ... ] | ||||||||
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These jokes were submitted by others over the past few months. 